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Frantic Search for Jeans in Vegas

2008-05-21T21:18:19-07:00

When my season ended, I was scheduled to go to Eugene, OR for the weekend to get together with my man Sammy Glaser and shoot some photos for Bill Adler Designs. Well, the trip was paid for and everything, when I found out that JGant was gonna be in Vegas that same weekend. How could I pass on an opportunity to party with my partner in crime in the Sin City? I couldn't. I had to switch it up and make my way down to Vegas.

Along with JGant was a whole crew of Berkeley kids who were all part of my crew back in the day, so I didn't mind sharing a room with 3 other grown men. The entire weekend was ridiculous to be honest. We had a group of about 12 in 3 adjoining rooms, so everybody was wilin' out the whole time. We hit the town in our boom tho shirts as a crew and everything. It was solid. We even started freestylin' some boom tho raps while we were pre-gaming in the hotel room:

As you can see we are goin pretty hard right now. Right after this, my man Anthony Bright took over and gave me a solid boom tho flow that we got on tape (rated R):

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.

Well in the midst of this ridiculous weekend, I hit up my man Ryan Vezapour and asked him what would be crackin for the weekend. At the same time, I emailed the Vegas DJ with the most boom-tho-ness, DJ Dig Dug, and asked him the same. Ryan told us about the Kanye West concert that was crackin that Friday, and it so happened that Dig Dug said the same thing. Boom. JGant and I knew what we were doing that night. We were gonna drop $88 apiece and check out one of the best rappers on the planet out at the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, which was about 25 minutes off the strip.

Ryan picked us up and drove us out there for the big show. When we got to the outdoor venue, Lupe Fiasco was already killin the mic up on stage so we settled into the middle of the pack and got right to enjoying ourselves. During the course of the concert, about 5-7 people approached me and proclaimed their boom-tho-ness. It was pretty solid. Except for this one girl behind me who kept grabbin my ass the whole night. When I asked her what was goin on, she said she saw me on E:60 and I couldn't help but laugh. Silly.

I've been to Rock the Mic, Up in Smoke, and the Glow in the Dark tour, and Kanye's performance that night at Glow in the Dark was easily the best I've ever seen from a rapper. Crazy stage, no hype men, 20 songs, and the straight up realness bein' spit every verse. While I was enjoying the show, Dj Dig Dug told me that he was DJing the afterparty at the club inside of Red Rock. He said that we should just go up to the door, drop his name, and boom boom.

So, after the show we walked over to the club (like everyone else) and told the security that Dig Dug had us. He left, then came back and said that we were good. As we were about to walk in, he stopped us. Ryan and I had on shorts since it was Vegas and it was an outdoor party. He said that the shorts would not fly. He said we were good if we came back in some jeans. Damn. So close, yet so far away. Our hotel was 25 minutes away and it was already 10:40, driving back to the strip would mean that we would just go somewhere over there and give up on the Kanye afterparty. We needed to get some jeans, and fast.

We walked out to Ryan's car. He had a pair of jeans in his trunk that fit him just nicely, but I had nothing to work with. What you are about to see is a video documentary of what transpired next:

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo.

What you need to understand is that Wal-Mart was about 10 minutes away, so it made sense to make that trip considering that every other store was closed. Also, I could have probably worn the 36 length jeans, but there was no way I was gonna be caught dead in some coddamn wranglers. No way. Luckily for us, JGant didn't recognize what developed and we ended up having a pretty spectacular night. I wore his nice jeans and he wore the wranglers.

We met up with Dig Dug in the party and told him what kind of music we were lookin for. That dude HOOKED IT UP. Have you ever seen someone C-Walk and get Hyphy in some Wrangler jeans? I have. His name is JGant and it was a legendary moment. It was a moment that taught me that if you have a high degree of boom-tho-ness in your heart, it doesn't matter if you just bought your jeans at Wal-Mart. JGant still got down and pulled a couple numbers. Mad-boom-tho-ness.

Poem Game 3

2008-05-13T19:25:23-07:00

I was down in San Diego last week to visit the mother when I decided that it would be a good idea to visit my high school's basketball team banquet. You know, one of those end of the year, let's celebrate the good guys and give certificates to the scrubs, type of deal.

While I was there, some of the kids on the Varsity team wanted to know how I felt about helping them work on one of the servers with some poetry. Specifically, they wanted to play The Poem Game. I was all for it, of course. I was able to grab a pen and a napkin and I got to work. It seems to be getting harder to come up with new poems on the fly, but I was still able to whip one up. This is what I wrote for them:

Outside this room golf is everywhere,
But inside this place love is in the air
You wear black and white, I want to Looky
You look like a tasty Oreo cookie
Think about the games we could play
In a golf cart out on Lomas Santa Fe
Monica, you work here, I'm from Torrey Pines
Monica I could say your name a 1000 times
If I'm a ninja turtle, be my April O'niel
Come get my Ooze, if that's how you feel
Better yet I'll be Shrek, you be Fiona
We'd make sweet artwork like the Mona
Let me take you out to lunch, be my Hannah Montana
You bring some chips, I'll bring the banana!

I gave the napkin back to Ramsey Hopkins, a junior at TP. He then gave it to the server. Here's how it went down:

Untitled from Rod Benson on Vimeo..

If the embed doesn't work, click here to watch the video:

After she got the poem, this woman DISAPPEARED. She literally went into the back room and didn't come out for an hour and a half. When she did emerge, she quickly walked out of the room. I guess Ramsey didn't have what it took to get the job done! Later he tracked her down and asked her what she thought. She said that it was "clever," and kept it moving. Oh well, I guess you win some and you lose some when playing The Poem Game.

Live BDL Blog: Spurs vs Hornets

2008-05-13T19:15:36-07:00

The Bachelor Party

2008-05-07T15:52:36-07:00

What you are about to witness is an email account of a very terrible situation that me and some of my boys are going through. I'll give you a little back-story on the issue first. My roommate of four years, Richard Midgley, is getting married this summer. He is the first of my friends to get married, so I'm kind of new to the whole process. The lack of experience comes into play even more because I am actually in the wedding, so I am one of three guys all in charge of making sure the bachelor party is off the chain. Now you know all you need to know to read the following. It's an email sent by Christian Prelle (my hoops teammate turned model friend) regarding the bachelor party situation, Richard was not CC'd in this email:

We have handled the news of Rmidge getting married pretty well. Unfortunately though, we've just been hit with something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten as long as we live.

Im assuming that we are all in agreement with the fact that a man's bachelor party is his last chance as a free man to really get loose with his best buds. Im not saying that he will never go out again and get wild...im just saying that its a special time for us to commemorate the fact that he is signing his balls away for the rest of his life. Lets also be honest and say that the bachelor party is never only about the bachelor, its about his boys. A bachelor party is a prime opportunity for guys like Conor to swoop and maybe pick up some sixty year olds and make out in the middle of the casino, a prime time for Lup to find some Lup breezes make them cry and come home with lion claw marks all over his back, a prime time for space to find a nice blonde breeder and wife the shit out of her, Rod can get some amazing footage for his next music vid, and last but not least Mike will be able to disappear for hours and talk on the phone to his girl and make up a lie on why he has to take an early flight home.

Well, all of these amazing scenarios are in jeopardy of never happening. Apparently, Richard cant go to Vegas! I can hear the collective, "WHY!" amongst all of you. No, its not because of a family emergency. No, its not because he doesnt think Vegas would be fun. No, its not because he doesnt want to lose the money he is saving for the honeymoon on gambling. All of these MIGHT be acceptable excuses. As you have probably guessed by now: Its because Vanessa said he is not allowed!

I know there are other places to have bachelor parties, but come on when you're in America and you here the words bachelor party you immediately think Vegas. Of course, we dont want to go to Vegas because we want Midgley to bang some hooker like Vanessa is probably thinking. We want to go to Vegas because it presents the most opportunity, in the short period of time we have, to make some legendary moments.

We all remember the old Rmidge, probably at one time the most solid among us. The guy who claimed he would never be the first to get married, the guy who used to get in a bar brawl anytime he went to bear's lair, the guy who would cut off his own hand before ever holding a breezes in public, and most importantly the guy who ALWAYS had his boy's backs no matter what. Well, that guy is looooooonnnnnnggggggg gone. I guess we'll just have to wait for Mike's or Chase's wedding, which ever comes first, to do Vegas big time.

If there still are any questions as to why we arent going to Vegas please direct your emails to the undisputed number one saver of all time r*****@gmail.com. If there are any alternative ideas for the bach party please email me.

RELL

So that email was sent to all the boys on April 23rd. On April 28th Chase Lyman, former Cal football star wide-out, sent this as a reply:

Since Vegas is now out of the running apparently, I have some ideas for other things we can do for the bachelor party.

-Monterey Bay Aquarium
-Movie night in Walnut Creek
-Poker night at Conor's place
-Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
-6 Flags/Great America
-Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl

Let's see if we can get any of these locations approved and I'll set it up.

I was actually at Prelle's house in Newport Beach when we read this email from Chase. I realized that Richard was now CCd on the email so it could blow up. It prompted Prelle to immediately send this right back:

Take richard's email off any further inquiries about the bachelor party and insert vanessas because she makes all the decisions. The sad part is I'm not trying to be funny, I'm dead serious.

Chase, the poetry reading on Shattuck is the only idea that can potentially get the go ahead from the head honcho...if and only if the poetry contains no profanity whatsoever, no sexual references of any kind, and as long as its during the day so we can have Richard home before the street lights go on.

We wont be able to go to the aquarium because the female fish and mammals dont wear any clothes. We wont be able to go to movie night because its to late and all the movies nowadays contain violence and nudity and profanity...all of which are completely off limits for Richard. Poker night, I'm sure she'll laugh in his face at the mention of this idea...the potential to invite strippers over, and, of course, Richard is strictly prohibited from gambling for the rest of his life. Six flags is off limits because of the dangers the roller coasters present...we might be able to get away with going to a theme park if and only if it's guys only day at the venue. Mystic bowling is obviously to late at night and there might be drinking which is also strictly prohibited because Richard is only allowed to have alcohol for special occasions like family parties or baby showers and even then its a two beer limit, no hard alcohol of any kind.

Oh man this had me just dying. Richard was my roommate for four years, and now it had really come to this! Well, I guess Vanessa (Richard's Fiance) didn't take all of this too well. She called Prelle from England to call him out on many things. I couldn't exactly hear the words, but she was serious. If she wanted to call him out, she should have just pasted some of Prelle's modeling photos on the internet, like I do all the time:

I digress, this is about Rich, not Prelle. After the phone call, Prelle sent another email to everyone:

Just to forewarn everyone, you are not only sending a message to Richard when you send something to HIS email address. His address is shared with Vanessa. Richard/Vanessa, could you let us know if Richard has an email he uses just for himself in case we have anything private we want to send him.

Thanks

Oh man I was rolling. I thought this would end it all, but alas, a few days ago, I got one more email from Prelle. I guess there is a site called "The Jew Knew" where important questions get answered. To quote "The Jew":

"This is no AskJeeves...Jeeves is actually my bitch. I've got a tailored answer for every question. You heard me...I know my sh*t.

Try me...ask me anything. Just make sure it has nothing to do with Math or Religion.

I'll have a response e-mailed to you within 24 hours.

- The Jew"

So, Prelle's question and "The Jew's" response are both currently pasted right on the front of thejewknew.com, but I'll still list them here. I had to edit it a bit, even for TMRB:

Dear Jew: One of my best friends is getting married and I am the best man. Of course, I'm automatically hit with the responsibility of planning the bachelor party. Vegas, right? Of course, Vegas. Only problem is his fiance will not allow him to go. Last time I checked if you are a grown man you shouldnt have to listen when someone tells you what do. I had the whole thing planned out and now everyone one of our friends thinks this guy is a joke, including me. How do we tell him he doesnt have to listen to her? How do we tell him that if he listens to her now shell be telling him what to do until they get divorced? This guy has pulled a complete 180 from the guy we went to college with which wast that long ago? How do we get the old guy back?

**Response**

Your friend is pussy whipped. He’s getting married for f*cks sake. The guy you went to college with is gone…You heard me…GONE. There is no getting this guy back. In fact, your friendship is probably already in jeopardy. The wife has probably started to “phase out” his college buddies in lieu of couples…F*CK THAT.

Here’s what to do. Tell the wife…not your buddy…that you respect her decision and that you’re working on a contingency plan.

Here’s the plan:
Have all your buddies book flights to Cabo San Lucas and get everyone to pitch for a flight for the groom.
Tell the wife after the trip has been booked that instead of partying like animals for an entire weekend, you’ve decided do a more relaxing bachelor party to Cabo for some fishing and golf. Tell her the arrangements have already been made and airfare has been booked. She’ll be pissed, but the damage has been done.
Depending on the # of guys in your party, Stay at the ME (If less than 10) or book a house through:
www.Cabovillas.com
Get a house in Pedrigal…on the hill overlooking downtown. These guys will take good care of you and have a great inventory of sick houses/villas. You can pull chicks back to the house and you don’t have to worry about being too loud and getting kicked out. Cabo has a great pool scene and plenty of hot babies.

At the wedding…your speech needs to call the bitch out. Then tell her that you hate fishing and that you suck at golf.

Good luck. Bring your own blow…
The Jew
www.thejewknew.com

So "The Jew" gave us a possibility, Chase gave us some possibilities, and, of course, we could just go to Vegas. What do you think of our options? Scroll down to Vote below:

Free surveys for myspace

	What should we do for Richard's bachelor party?
	Monterey Bay Aquarium
	Movie night in Walnut Creek
	Poker night at Conor's place
	Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck
	6 Flags/Great America
	Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl
	"The Jew's" Cabo Adventure
	Vegas Anyway

magic pharmacy online

Naggin' In Iceland

2008-05-07T15:52:16-07:00

My old high school teammate and current overseas baller Avi Fogel and I were driving down to the UCSD campus to play some pickup ball with the D2 kids when he decided to break the silence of the lazy afternoon.

"Rod man I forgot to tell you about for funny ish that happened when I was overseas in Iceland," he said excitedly, knowing that I would enjoy the story.

"Oh yea?" I responded. "What's crackin?"

I won't quote him because due to laughter, I don't remember his exact words. So I'll it the way I remember it. He tells me that when he was in Iceland the majority of his teammates were black and from the U.S. He said that one night they all went out to some Icelandic club that, based on his description of Icelandic women, I would have to assume was pretty crackin and filled with many dime pieces.

One of his boys was REALLY feelin one of those dimes out in the club so he made a play, but she shot him down. I guess later he tried again, and again, and finally again. She just wasn't buying what the man was selling I guess. I wasn't there, but I can imagine a dude thinkin that he was gonna get some "easy" play overseas who realized that she wasn't that way.

Well, I guess the girl started to get annoyed with the situation. She walked up to Avi and his bothersome teammate and said "Why do you keep naggin me so much? All you do is nag nag nag!"

I guess Avi replies "Hahaha what? He keeps nagging you?"

Frustrated, the girl says to the teammate: "Yes. Why are you such a stupid NAGGER?"

Ummm.... I guess the accent made it tough to hear, so the teammate says: "What? Bitch, you don't know me!" and allegedy socks her in the face!

I haven't laughed so hard at anything yet since season ended. Obviously hitting a girl is off limits, but coddamn, he hit her because she called him a stupid NAGGER? Classic. Nagger should have shut his coddamn mouth!

Uncommon Sense: R.I.P. Soulja Boy?

2008-05-07T15:47:19-07:00

So I was riding in the car with my mom and a couple of her friends the other day and while she's in the car I tend to keep the music tuned to something that's a little more mellow than, perhaps something I would play riding alone. I have XM radio in my car so as we are riding a Luther Vandross song comes on. It was a song even I knew the words to so we began singing it and just having a good old time. After the song went off my mom said something that got me thinking.

“Boy I am going to miss Luther, it’s crazy to think that he is gone along with Gerald Levert. We grew up listening to those guys...”

As my elders rode in the car reminiscing about their good times growing up to their music, I though to myself “Who am I going have to miss?” Seriously, that is a valid question. Let’s say 40 years from now when I'm riding in the car with my children and they decide to play some old school, and “Crank that Soulja Boy” comes on the radio, how am I supposed to respond???

“Kids this here is old school! You young people don't know nothing bout this here Soulja Boy. I'm so sorry he passed. He cranked that Soulja Boy one too many times. He will be missed.”

Funny as that may seem, that is a very real possibility. Now I just use Soulja Boy because he is very popular right now. I hate to admit it, but when his song comes on in the club, you catch everybody (including me), doing this little dance. My prediction is in 2038, the top 5 Top Golden Oldies will be Yo by Chris Brown, Lip Gloss by Lil Mama, Aye Bay Bay by Hurricane Chris, Fresh Azimiz by Bow Wow, and finally Show Stopper by Danity Kane. Honorable Mention: Wipe me down by Lil Boosie. Boom Tho  
NBA Draft Update: So I am working hard preparing for the NBA pre-draft camp in Orlando. I can honestly say that I have never done anything this physically draining in my life. I work out at the most 3 and a half hours a day, and the majority of those other 21 hours are spent sleeping and dreading the next days workout. You truly have to love the game in order to keep yourself in the mind frame to keep on pushing. I am working out with University of Maryland standout, James Gist, Michigan State shooter, Drew Nitziel, and Memphis Center Joey Dorsey. We are going hard, early every morning and pushing the envelope daily. It is safe to say I am a certified "Envelope Pusher." I'll be sure to keep you posted on how the workouts are going.

Funny, Joey dorsey was callin me big time but this dude left the mall with me and went straight to the Cadillic dealership to pick up his escalade ESV.

Uncommon Sense: The Beginning

2008-04-28T16:00:21-07:00

For those of you who are don't know who I am, My Name is DeVon Hardin. I am former Cal golden bear and aspiring NBA prospect. Rod and I played together at Cal my freshman and sophomore year. One thing I can say about Rod is for about 75% of the time we spent playing together, I HATED him. Plan and simply put I was waiting for the day where he would push me to the point in which I had no choice but to beat the living crap out of him. Part of this may have stemmed from our competing to play the same position. I believe most of it was just Rod's personality. As a younger man I just resented him but over time I learned to tolerate him.

Not to sound too sentimental but today Rod is one of my closest friends and he has finally convinced me to give this blog thing a try. I suppose it could be pretty interesting. One of the things that has been holding me back from doing this sooner is the fact that, it is difficult to start a blog. So I am going to take a shortcut and piggyback off TMRB.com considering the fact that he has such a large fan base already.

While I may not have as many oddly entertaining antics as Rod, I do have some pretty funny stuff to talk about. I mean, I am not even in the NBA yet and somehow life has completely changed since the moment I left Berkeley. The only rule passed down to me by my senior blogger is this: whatever I write I have to make sure that it maintains the standards of Boom-Tho-Ness. Keep your eyes open. Boom Tho.

Devon Hardin is a former Cal Bear and is currently preparing for the NBA draft. He asked me to let him blog on TMRB.com so here it is. He wanted to call his blog "Uncommon Sense." Nobody knows why. Boom.

BTGOM: April

2008-04-28T15:09:05-07:00

I asked, you answered. I wanted to know who the next BTGOM should be, and I got the same answer many times. I was apprehensive about accepting this particular suggestion because I remember reading something about her last year. I read that she really doesn't want all the attention that she's been getting. I read that as a high schooler, she was basically being stalked and that there were pictures and discussions and websites all chronicling her every move. Maybe it was warranted, but it was unwanted.

Well, in a way, this is one of those same attention creating, "let's all gawk at the hot girl" things that she has resented for so long. In another way, however, this is very different. This is the Boom Tho Girl of the Month. This is about recognizing someone out there who I think is ready like spaghetti, someone who is in there like swimwear, and someone who could help promote the movement through looks, yes, but also through being all around cool, smart, and progressive.

That being said, I now feel comfortable naming Allison Stokke the BTGOM for April 2008. Some of the emails called this too perfect. Maybe it is. An athlete from my school who looks like that? I guess it was just meant to be. Maybe I'll go into HAAS this summer to get my ankles taped by Barry Parsons, AKA the best trainer in the history of training, and I'll see her in there. She probably won't know who I am, but Barry and I will look at each other and understand the Boom-Tho-Ness of the situation.

If you read this, Allison, understand that I recognize the way you literally raise the bar for the Cal track team and figuratively raise the bar for all Cal women who, although some of the most intelligent women in the country, are not renowned for their looks. I can envision you dancing at a FIJI (Cal Frat) party, absolutely framed like a diamond in the rough. I emerge through the front door with my crew of Boom Tho t-shirt wearing hooligans, get you a drink and we get next on the Beirut table (beer pong to those who don't really know). Ask Mohammed (Cal student services blah blah slash athlete favorite) about me, he'll tell you what's up!

That is what I missed out on during my four years. Oh well. Still, Mo, do it.

Ode To Jenna Fischer Part Dos!

2008-04-20T20:06:11-07:00

Earlier today, I went out and bought "Walk Hard." I popped into my xbox and started watching it. I had no idea Jenna Fischer was in that bad boy looking as gorgeous as ever. It pissed me off in a way. Why did nobody tell me that the official Boom Tho girl was all spiced up and hot in a Judd Apatow movie? It caught me by surprise. I would have gone to the theatre to see it if I had known all the details.

Anyways, the fact of the matter is that the Boom Tho GOTM's have gotten more attention lately than the original Boom Tho Girl. Jenna, I haven't forgotten about you. We have a chemistry that only two people who have never met can share. It's special to only us. So, I decided that you needed another poem to show you just how I feel. The first poem can be seen in "Ode to Jenna Fischer", but this is the second one. This is Part Dos!

The past few months have been really whack
But 2 weeks ago at 7 The Office came back
I'm so glad she came back - I've missed her
That's right, I've missed you Jenna Fischer
I know you think we don't know each other
But after watching Dewey Cox, I think you need a brother
If you were some milk, I'd be like Ovaltine
We'd get some brown in you if you know what I mean
Yep, I said it, I'm anything but coy,
If your life is a happy meal, then I'm your free toy
My beds like a ship, let me be your captain
Come to my room, "Where Boom Tho Happens"
So what if Will Farrell felt you up in blades of glory
The irrigation room gets wild after dwights bedtime story
You're like the Little Mermaid, Ariel of the Sea
Ill go to the water where it is hotter take it from me
Let me show you why they call me Too Much
I just want to treat you like my Ipod Touch
The next line is dirty, If you know what I mean
Treat me like a Nintendo Cartridge that's not clean
We could be like Jules and Seth, solid as a rock
You can scratch my back, but it's located on my --
Let's make some sweet music like Bleeker and Juno
When it comes to Boom Tho girls, you're numero uno!

Pistol Pete-isms

2008-04-19T18:13:45-07:00

On Ball Don't Lie, I wrote about Pistol Pete and how his skills were superhuman. Go read that, if you haven't already.

Now that you've read it, I decided to list all the Pistol Pete-isms that people posted. So, here they are, uncut:

a Pistol Pete spin-dribble started Hurricane Katrina
* When he ran suicides, he called them baby-makers.  * He could have averaged 50 points a game, but he likes palindromes.  * Shaquille O'Neal only took the name 'Diesel' because Pistol took Premium.  * It wasn't March Madness until Pistol got angry.  * Dick Vitale sounded like Jay Bilas until he saw Pistol's crossover.  * ESPN originally stood for "Every Shot of Pistols is Notable."
Referees never called fouls on Pistol Pete; he ordered them to randomly blow their whistles to make his possessions more interesting.

Pistol Pete caused the 1977 New York blackout during a pickup game when his crossover dribble accidentally generated an electromagnetic pulse.

Pistol Pete's baby teeth grew arms and legs and eventually spawned into 7 members of the 1986 Celtics.

Pistol Pete once melted a pair of Chuck Taylors into the shape of the Virgin Mary dribbling a basketball--15 minutes later, the silhouette began producing tears.”

Pistol Pete is so fast that all his assists are to himself.
Pistol Pete doesn't break ankles, he amputates feet.
Pistol Pete didn't drop dimes, he dropped C-notes.
When Pistol Pete played, they moved the 3-point line to half court, because a 20-footer is just a layup to Pistol Pete.”
Pistol Pete never hit the rim. He swished every shot he ever took, he refused to even dunk the ball as he viewed the rim as disgusting and didn't want to touch it in any way.
if pistol pete was black they'd call him rod benson
Pistol Pete ran the 3-man weave single-handedly.

Pistol Pete racked up 21 assists in a one-on-one game.

Pistol Pete went deep into the NIT tournament despite the fact that his teammates were 7 goats and a truck tire.

Pistol Pete once had a line of 63 points, 21 assists, 18 rebounds, and 3 impregnated cheerleaders.”
Pistol Pete is a good scorer without the ball. Literally, he just stares at the ball and it goes in.

Pistol Pete's crossover is so devastating that reading about it will break your ankles. Don't believe me? Look down at your ankles right now. That's right.”
If Pistol Pete lost half his talent, they'd still say he boom got them dos!
Pistol Pete ran the triangle offense in 1 on 1 games.

Pistol Pete didn't call time outs. He stopped time.

Pistol Pete woulda averaged 57 points a game with the college three point line (that one's real).”
Pistol Pete is so fast that he makes other fast people..............seem.....umm....not..so fast.
well that sucked.”

Pistol Pete referred to practice as nap time.

Pistol Pete ate whole boxes of Wheaties in between time outs.

Pistol Pete never turned the ball over ever. The numbers that indicated otherwise on stat sheets were on the order of Pistol himself, just to show his supreme humility; one among many of his countless outstanding qualities.

Pistol Pete knows where Carmen San Diego is.”
The 3PT line wasn't ready like spaghetti for Pistol Pete
The Pistol often pissed his name onto the opposing teams locker rooms just like we piss our names into snow. Most of the floors had to be replaced becase of the seriousness of his piss' architectual damage.
Pistol Petes calander goes straight from the 31st March to the 2nd of April - No one fools pistol Pete.

Pistol Petes tears cure cancer - too bad he never cries.

When Pistol Pete does push ups he doesn't go up the world goes down.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Superman owns a pair of Pistol Pete pyjamas.

Pistol Pete sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparallelled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Pete spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should haveseen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The only time Pistol Pete was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”

Pistol Pete only missed shots to make you think you have a chance.

Pistol Pete once scored 50 points, during halftime.

Pistol Pete's shots vaccinate against polio.

Wilt Chamberlain was Pistol Pete standing on his own shoulders.”
Pistol Pete once dunked from the free throw line in a game ... the opponent's free throw line.

Pistol Pete never checked into the game, he just walked on and off the court whenever he felt like it.

Pistol Pete didn't try to outscore the other team, he tried to outscore both teams.

Pistol Pete's hair was a lock-down defender.”
When Pistol ran suicides he didn't touch the foul line and the midcourt line, he touched I-95, I-77, I-35...
Pistol Pete once ate an orange and started crying...and Gatorade was born
Pistol Pete once put the ball through both baskets on the same shot
Pistol Pete was Mr. Miyagi's father
During the opening tip once, the pistol grabbed the ball and made a layup before it reached maximum height
Pistol Pete could throw underhand so well, he once struck out 26 batters in a slow pitch softball game.
The only guy he didn't strike out was Chuck Norris, who flew out to center”
When Pistol Pete's shot gets cold, the inside of the rim becomes a superconductor.

The Soviet Union had an answer to Reagan's star wars defense program, they collapsed because they didn't have an answer to Pistol Pete.

When Pistol Pete played for the Jazz, they saved money on halftime entertainment. Pistol Pete would just watch other teams acts on the road and do them in costume at home. In one game, Pistol Pete had 60 points, 20 assists, and 20 rebounds in the second half, after spending most of halftime escaping from an underwater tank where he could not breathe.”

Pistol Pete's statistics started the high tech boom in America by creating a demand for more powerful adding machines.

Pistol Pete could sink a 15 lb. bowling ball from half court, while lying flat on his back.

Every woman that Wilt Chamberlin slept with had been with Pistol Pete first.

Pete Maravich played a full game at lsu with a splint on his knee. He couldn't walk so he stood the whole game at half court and scored 30 pts with 20 assists and 5 steals.”
Pistol Pete could reliably hit a three from any body position while break dancing.

Pistol Pete never missed a layup, ever, in his life. The closest shot he ever missed was a 12 foot jumper. Hurricane Camille was hitting Louisiana with 130 mph winds but Pete insisted on practicing on the outdoor court. He also missed a half court shot that day, after spending a few hours shooting.

Pistol Pete once beat Bruce Lee in a martial arts fight. Pete knocked him out with an unorthodox two handed push to the forehead. Only his fingertips touched Lee.”
pistol pete was ready before spaghetti
Pistol Pete wasn't named after a gun, guns were named after him.

When Pistol Pete ran the floor, he never traveled any distance, the distance traveled for him.

Pistol Pete didn't have ice water in his veins, your cooler has Pete's blood.”
Pistol Pete averaged 39 points and 18 dimes one season, after he retired.

The season after Pistol Pete was traded from the Jazz... He still led them in scoring.

Pistol Pete once outscored the opposing team for an entire game, at the tip off.

Pistol Pete didn't drink water during time outs, he drank souls.

Pistol Pete's socks led the league in assists.”

The reason why the 3 point line was not invented after Pistol Pete was because he would average 70 points a game

To make a great branch of steroids you need Hennessy, Cocaine, and Pistol Pete's Blood.

Pistol Pete can play and finish quarter averaging 40 points, 10 boards and 12 assists

Pistol Pete is the legitimate father of Kobe, Lebron, Chris Paul, and Michael Beasly

During the 1980 Summer Olympics the US didn't go because Pistol Pete coached the Yugoslavia team. We call that "intelligent" warfare”

Pete Maravich is most known for destroying Dick Vitale blood vessels in his neck from saying "It's Awesome BABY!"

A Pistol Pete crossover would end Shaun Livingston's life.

Pistol Pete could win a championship with three cardboard players and Gumby on his side with the 07 08 Miami Heat on the bench”
A Pistol Pete crossover would break the ankles of the entire opposing team

Pistol Pete can make a shot while double fisting beers in the owner's box

Pistol Pete is so Christ-like, a 5 year old can walk onto a D-1 team after watching his youtube instructional videos

Pistol Pete can score 40 while walking on his hands and shooting with his feet”
Any guy who had to guard Pistol Pete would become so negative that if he were in a darkroom he'd develop.

Pistol Pete never learned how to follow his own shot because he never missed any.

A spinning, no-look, between the legs bounce pass from Pistol Pete ended world hunger.

Pistol Pete brushed his teeth with brillo pads and flossed with razor blades.

Pistol Pete used to fill his jock with week-old crullers because that's how he rolls.”

Pistol Pete's homework basketball videos led the NBA in scoring and assists in 1988.

Pistol Pete wants everyone to know that he let Jerry West be the logo

Pistol Pete solved Tupac and Biggie's murders. He just doesn't want to tell you who did it.

Pistol Pete could beat Tiger Woods in a golf tournament. Nah...just kidding.”

pistol pete didn't need his team mates, his team mates needed him

pistol pete was always on fire, he caused heat waves.

his shooting was so hot, he ended the cold war.

he could dribble a bowling ball better than Skip to My Lou would handle the basketball.

pistol pete doesn't climb mountains, mountains bow down to him.

pistol pete was so good, everyone around him looked so bad.

he'd score so much points, the scorer often lost count.

his numbers were so outrageous, nobody today would've believed pistol pete was white.
to post 84: pistol pete is so good, he'll shoot a basketball in a golf hole...using a golf CLUB! 'nuff said, pete pawns the tiger”

I heard once that Pistol Pete went up for a layup that started in Times Square and he landed somewhere around Beijing, thus creating the Chinese Basketball Association.

Pistol Pete never used a gun when hunting, he spit out lead bullets and crapped Titanium-another reason they call him the Pistol.

The Army wanted to recruit the Pistol because they knew then they really could be an Army of one.

Someone once asked Pistol Pete what he thought about racism in America, he answered "I pity them racist fools" Shortly after Mr. T changed it to "I pity the fool" The royalties he got on the quote were amazing.

Pistols socks were tight when he put them on, but he was so silky smooth they instantly changed to silk and slid down, thus the floppy look.

Pistol Pete didn't really die, he had started playing ball again as a black man named Michael Jordan. The NBA decided they better kill off the Pistol before the Government started looking into it. The Pistol transcended race, gender, and time.”

For fun Pistol Pete would do his crossover in front of pregnant ladies causing the disease we now know as polio

Pistol Pete was with Moses as he was escaping from the egyptians, when faced with the red see he did a single crossover breaking the sees ankles and causing it to split.

Strangley enough in jeopardy you can answer all the questions with who is Pitol Pete”

God originally asked Noah to teach people about Pistol's arc, but Noah was too big a fool to comprehend its perfection.

Many of today's NBA players still receive assists from Pistol Pete.

By counteracting a patient's body tremors, Pistol Pete could cure Parkinson's.

Pistol Pete's cross over cause the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

When pistol pete heard people calling Jordan the G.O.A.T he rose from the grave and entered Jordan's nightmare as a monstrous basketball player crossing his airness and blocking him for hours Jordan later chronicled this ordeal in his critcally aclaimed "Space Jam"

When athletes make amazing plays time seems to slow down as God watches there acrobatic stunts in slow motion when Pistol Pete does time goes backwards as God continously rewinds his breathtaking drives causing what we now know as Deja Vu.

Pistol Pete's amazing leaps allowed him to break the space time continum. At the age of Forty he jumped and was transported to broke to 2008 where he saw the pitiful fate of the LSU basketball program, this is the real cause of his sudden heart attack. ”

Chuck Norris once challenged Pistol Pete to a 1 on 1 game. That was last time anyone had ever seen Chuck Norris
Pistol Pete can win a 7-game series in 3 games.
Pistol Pete's granny invented the granny shot.

Pistol Pete ate white chocalate and pooped out jason williams.
Pistol Petes blood is made of dimes
Pistol Pete is raefer alstons father
Pistol Pete can dribble with his penis
Pistol Pete did a crossover and went back in time and brought back chris kaman
Pistol Pete already knows how lebrons career is gonna go because hes already witnessed.
Pistol Pete is a decendant of zues
Pistol Petes crossover killed the dinasours
Pistol Petes crossover broke pangea apart.
Pistol Pete had such good vision he found america first.
Pistol Petes sweat makes gatorade
Pistol Pete went to medical school with Dr.J and the Professor
Pistol Petes jumpshot killed JFK
Pistol Pete proved white men can jump by jumping over the moon”

Pistol Pete was given the nickname “Pistol” because he carried a revolver in his gym shorts to intimidate opposing teams during shoot arounds. He once shot a man for double dribbling.

The Pistol shot over 66% from the 3 point line when it was introduced into the NBA while eating a ham sandwich with his other arm.

The Harlem Globetrotters only have 3 losses in over 15,000 games played. Two of those were solely at the hands of Pistol Pete when he was on the JV squad in high school (103 to 79 and 97 to 96...he had the flu in that one).”

Pistol Pete’s crossover was so filthy he had to get a tetanus shot.

Pistol Pete’s crossover was so good only Stuart Scott could see how he did it.

Pete noticed a flaw in wilt's delivery from the line before his 100-point game, when he went 28-32 from the stripe. He also had 35 assists in the game before going back to being a gleam in his pappy's eye.

Pete figured out a way to make his '67 Nova run on seawater, and was the go to guy for Red Auerbach's Cubans.

Pete got his handles from a seance with Black Jesus and the Houdini of the Hardwood, and gave his top secret hangover cure to Hot Rod Hundley.”

pistol pete once won an nba championship and got the #1 pick for his team. his team re-drafted him.

"pistol pete, why are you so awesome? you're the reason that i'm proud to be from louisiana" is what karl malone recites during every free throw.

in a best of 7 playoff series, pistol pete once came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the series 5-2.

when wilt scored 100 points, pistol pete tallied the assists.”

Pistol Pete was so good that his shadow was the runner up for National Player of the Year.....Three years after he left college.

Pistol Pete could touch MC Hammer.
The framers of the constitution gave Pistol Pete 13/8 of a vote.
Every time Pistol Pete steps on a crack, he breaks someones backboard.
Pistol Pete could turn water into gatorade, and when he played, gatorade had not been invented yet.”

Pistol Pete is called Pistol because he once killed a man with an out of control bounce pass.....

Pistol Pete's jumpshot created the baby boom of the 60's...women got turned on every time pistol hit them jumpers

Pistol Pete and Chunck Norris once played a game of one on one and no winner is yet to be named....earthquakes are the result of this epic game.....

Pistol Pete's crossover is the reason for the emergency system tests on TV.....”
Pistol Pete was such a fast, sharp, passer, that in a champion ship game he once cracked the time barrier, giving the ball to the newest sensation at center, Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln converted the two, securing Pete's assist, but failed to convert the foul shot, enraging assistant coach Booth.

The Latest North Dakota Livin'

2008-04-03T17:52:00-07:00

That picture is a little blurry. My phone doesn't have the best of focus abilities. Regardless, the only thing you need to see in this picture is the temperature. It's still cold out here. It's actually snowing right now. Aint that some ish right there?

Well, despite the cold weather, I've still been living my life real North Dakota style. What does that mean exactly? It means that I've been playing a lot of Smash Brothers and Madden. It means that I've been buying food and CD's from Wal-Mart. It means that I've been pushing the 12 passenger Van from 1st street to 12th and from A to D. It means that as part of a photoshoot I did for SLAM magazine, we took like 50 photo's outside in the snow, leaving me with numb fingers and a frostbitten smile. It means that I have pretty much taken a liking to darts, pool, and blackjack.

What else have I been doing lately? I've been hitting up the local bar circuit again. I gave up on Buck's a long time ago, but I have recently gone back. I decided that as long as I'm not looking for women, Buck's aint that bad. Well, that doesn't necessarily make it good, but it aint bad. Ever since I started playing blackjack (very, very low stakes blackjack), I can stand to be in Buck's for a good hour or so. That does not mean that I didn't see a 300lb. woman bend alllll the way over last night in an attempt to get my attention. It also doesn't mean that 4 different 50 year old women didn't try to get at me just last night. Seriously. I saw one coming and pretended to read the label on my Miller Lite like there was some new information on that bad boy. Still, she tried to talk to me as I paid her no attention, reading away. Finally she grabbed me by the arm and attempted to literally drag me out to the dance floor, at which I point I had to open my mouth and tell her to let go of my coddamn right arm! Talk about aggressive son.

Buck's is old news now, though. The new hotness is Stadium, a place a hated last year because this 300 lb woman was running loose around that place picking people up and tossing them around the way jugglers toss bowling pins through the air. I'm pretty sure at one point she had me, Kevin Lyde, and Matteen Cleaves in the air like a coddamn pizza chef would have his dough.

Now that she's gone, the crew and I spend a couple nights a week there. Since there is no longer the threat of the female beast roaming the area, some of the excitement is gone. Still, there are some sights to behold. Last time I was there, there were a group of kids wearing metallic jackets, parachute pants, and other 80's, Michael Jackson / MC Hammer / Vanilla Ice type gear drinking their heads off. I, personally, could never drink that much while wearing such outfits because I would forget that I look like KAZAAM and I might go to Perkin's (like Denny's) at the end of the night dressed like a seven foot tall black genie. These kids really didn't seem to care. Right after the bar closed, they went outside, turned the music up real high on their car stereo, and proceded to dance to the music. With all four car doors open, these guys drunkenly took over the parking lot and danced. First they danced to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt," then followed that performance up with a dance inspired by Spice Girls "Wannabe."

As you watch the video, you have to notice to subtlties such as the guy with the briefcase (obviously there are no briefs inside). He uses his breifcase as a dance prop so well that you have to assume that this whole thing was rehearsed, but then again, I saw how many shots he took in the bar, there's no way he could remember that kind of choreography.

It's been about more than bars though. I've gotten out of the house during the day too. I went to watch some of the North Dakota high school state basketball tourney a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't exactly call this place a hotbed of talent, but the kids played hard and they were big games so there was entertainment value. The high school atmosphere was crazy too. There's nothing like watching the Dickinson "Midgets" compete. I personally took a liking to a sign that the Bismarck High "Demons" had on display:

"Rah rah knee, kick em in the knee. Rah rah rass, kick em in the other knee." Really? I found this sign to be awesome because it makes it seem like the school fight song calls for kicking of the knees. My high school fight song was not nearly as aggressive.

Anyways, I was in Wal-Mart the other day (what else is new?) and I noticed something. Tell me if you notice the ridiculousness of the situation:

I guess there are a few things funny about this. For starters, ETHNIC hair care? Coddamn that makes it easy. Instead of asking where the du-rags were located, I should have asked the customer service rep where the ethnic $#!T was at. It's also funny because most of the things in the "ethnic" section are also found in various other parts of the store. Coco butter is also in the lotion section. Hair nets have no ethnicity and thus are also found on the next aisle as well. I guess somebody decided what black people needed and put it all right there. Boom. A lot of it aint even hair care stuff, it's just black stuff. No other ethnicities are represented whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if "Boyz In The Hood," and "Friday" were also sold in the Ethnic hair care section right next to the Magnum XL's. Lastly, and the funniest part about it, THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE IN NORTH DAKOTA! There's no need to sell all this when the Dakota Wizards are the only people who might buy it. I'll tell you what this reminds me of:

BTGOM: March... Hella Late I Know

2008-04-02T23:35:15-07:00

I've been really drained lately. I guess thats how it goes at the end of the season. I'm just very mentally drained right now, as a result, I've been slackin on my BTGOM's. This won't happen again. My apologies.

Anyways, it's late, but so what? I know who gets the title for March, 2008. I've actually been tracking this girl for a year now. Tracking would appear to be a sophisticated way to say stalking, but I wont say it's the same thing. I just happened to take notice early and I have yet to stop noticing.

Let me ask you something. What are the last car brands you consider buying? Let's pretend that you had $40,000 to spend on a new whip, I'm sure your first thought wouldn't be Saturn. If you're younger than 77 years old, it wouldn't be Buick. For me, one of those brands used to be Mercury. i just always considered Mercury to be a bootleg Ford. I don't like Ford, so why would I like Mercury? I now have a reason: Jill Wagner.

I'm not sure exactly when Jill started doing these commercials, but I know I'm not the only person who takes notice. I feel like the whole Boom Tho Movement should be taking notice. Her MySpace profile says that she is single and living in L.A. that's funny, because I too am single and will be in L.A. this summer. It almost worked with Julia Allison I feel like it should just be a thing we do from now on. I already sent her a message. Let's see what develops.

Before I conclude, I want to take this thing to the next level. I want people to submit potential Boom Tho girls to me via e-mail for the next week or two. They don't have to be celebrities, but Boom Tho worthy as you see it. After I get a good amount of submissions, I'll put up a thing so people can vote for the next girl. That's the way it should be. Interactivity is real hot right now. Hollar.

The Top 5: Arcade Games

2008-04-02T23:35:06-07:00

So I watched this video, which is awesome, and it reminded me of Street Fighter at the arcade. I remember the days when every arcade game cost a quarter. Well a quarter soon became fifty cents. Fifty cents soon became 75. Games went from 2-D joystick fun to sit down, stand up, Wii style action. You need a coddamn pre-paid card just to play anything anymore. I digress.

I started thinking about the best arcade games. I started thinking about all the classics. It lead me to one conclusion: that I needed to list them so you could help me reminisce about the best of the best. I decided that maybe I should do a list anyway because there are a lot of TMRB list worthy things out there. So, this will be the first list. The top 5 arcade games of all time are:

5: Pac Man

Since I'm 23 years old, people were playing Pac Man at the arcade before I knew how to spell arcade. I'm pretty sure this is my mom's favorite game, which just goes to show that Pac Man brings generations together. I honestly think she is better than me at it. I have a terrible habit of getting the coddamn power pellets too early because I'd panic if a ghost got too close.

4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Arcade Game

I'm not sure, but I think this was the first game to have four person co-op action. Whether it was or wasn't, it was still the first game to teach children all about dangerous weapons, genetics, The Renaissance, and pizza. Donatello had the long range, but slower attacks. Leonardo had the flashy sword and a non-nonsense style, while Raph and Mikey were quick and ruthless. If you got hurt, all you needed was a slice of Pizza to get you going again. If you got really hurt, you might need to find that whole pizza to save the day. Got 3 friends and 4 quarters? Take on the foot in this epic arcade game. Dont forget some extra quarters because a continue or two will be necessary to keep all four together.

3: NBA Jam

Left, Right, A, B, B, A. Left, Right, A, B, B, A. That was the code I always entered to get the full court dunks going on my SNES. The arcade version was different though. Still, you wanna talk about a great game. The graphics son!? The graphics!? No way did they have real looking faces on these players. Three makes in a row and you're on fire. Want to play as the Vancouver Grizzlies? Then it looks like you've gotta hook up with Shareef Abdur Raheem and "Big Country" Bryant Reeves. No MJ on this bad boy, but you could take BJ Armstrong and Scotty to the top if you knew what you were doing. In fact, why not enter a code and play as Frank Thomas (Chicago White Sox) and pair him with scotty. Game, set, match, bitch.

2. Street Fighter II

This may have been the first game to try to bring together all of the worlds cultures, only to have them beat the $#!T out of each other. Take it to Brazil with Blanka, keep it sexy with the Spanish flair Vega brought to the table, or fight the good fight with Guile. The odd the thing about this game was that you very rarely fought in the street. If you were Guile, you fought in front of a ship which I always referred to as the "USS Beat Down." Blanka fought in front of his jungle home. Vega was a straight up cage match waiting to happen.

Street Fighter II was the first and only game that I could never win. My Hadukens were too weak. My E-Honda fast hands were too slow. My Blank electrocution move always left me assed-out. Still, this game was so hot, they turned into a movie starting Jean Claude Van Damme. I was already inspired by Blood Sport, but then he did this, taking Street Fighter to the next level.

1: Mortal Kombat II

I still remember the day I first discovered Mortal Kombat. The fat kid that my brother was friends with had a GameBoy and brought it over one day when I was 8 years old. Next thing I know, I'm at the Arcade wasting the quarters I took from the couch trying to perfect my moves.

As good as Street Fighter was, Mortal Kombat was even better. Street Fighter proved to be conservative and dry compared to Mortal Kombat. Blood was everywhere, and fatalities changed the game forever. And let's not forget about those graphics son! The graphics!

There was no internet back then, so the only way to know about the fatalities was to buy the official Prima strategy guide. After my friend got that guide, we picked our characters based on how solid the fatalities were. Mortal Kombat introduced fatalities, but what people tend to forget about MKII is that there were now "Friendships" and "Babalities." Babalities were really, really lame, but Friendships, if executed with the right character were nothing short of amazing. I hated playing as Johnny Cage, but if I did, and I won, please believe I was gonna friendship your ass in a heartbeat. The deep voiced announcer would say "Friendship! Friendship!" Then Johnny would whip out a photo of himself, autograph it, and display it so that your opponent could know that there were no hard feelings and that you could still be a fan and a friend.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Donkey Kong, Centipede, Dance Dance Revolution, Tekken, Space Invaders, The Simpsons.

This is my list, if you think youve got a better one, don't hesitate to put it out there in comment form. Hollar.

Boom Tho Gear

2008-04-02T00:30:18-07:00

Quickly, I want to let people know that if you haven't yet received your shirt, it's backordered and you have not yet been charged. The shirts are coming and hopefully will ship in the next two weeks. These new shirts are actually better as they do not have a PONY logo on the back, but instead they have another graphic on the back that says "It's a Movement!"

If you did already get your gear, excellent. Take some pix doing Boom Tho things and email them to me. You might make it in the next video, blog, or whatever! Email to rzb0@yahoo.com.

Stay tuned for more info, or email me if you have further questions. Look out for more hotness coming this summer too! Boom tho!

BoomThoMovement.com

2008-02-26T22:24:46-08:00

I started another site with the sole purpose of promoting the boom tho movement. All the boom tho related videos are over there, as well as the boom tho button, among other things.

The Boom Tho gear (only shirts for now) will also be sold there, starting march 1st. The site will be updated regularly with Boom Tho news and info. I'll be working on some sort of registration or email list that will allow me to let members of the movement know ahead of time when the new videos will drop or what the movement has in store, especially since Pony will have a lot of gear dropping this summer.

I'll keep you posted.

Boom Tho Girl of the Month: February

2008-02-21T15:52:37-08:00

Due to busyness on my end, I'm a little late on the new Boom Tho Girl of the month. I had planned to coordinate the "Boom Tho Girl" video with the Feb. GOTM (Girl of the Month), but sadly, I have been overwhelmed with All-Star stuff and Yahoo!

Anyways, first things first. Thanks to everyone who emailed Julia Allison my behalf. To be honest, I emailed her on my behalf as well. Somewhat surprisingly, she responded to me. Wanna know what she said? Good, I thought so:

Hi Rod!!

You're a bundle of joy. Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl ;) I
will put
it in my official biography, for sure. :) :)

A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually - with really
positive
comments about you!! You have a ton of fans ;)

God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all
night
working and am more than a little loopy!!

Anyway, I think you're fabulous!

Xo
julia

Let's take a moment to analyze what just happened here. I'll go sentence by sentence.

"You're a bundle of joy" -- She is already calling me her baby. Good sign.

"Thanks for making me a Boom Tho Girl ;) I will put it in my official biography for sure:):)" -- She wants to let our love unfurl.

"A lot of people forwarded that link to me, actually -- with really positive comments about you!! You have a ton of fans;)" -- Peer pressure got to her, it would seem.

"God, could I use any more emoticons in this email?? I've been up all night working and am more than a little loopy!!" -- She has been uncontrollably winking and smiling all night because of me.

"Anyway, I think you're fabulous!" -- She thinks I would be the perfect father for her children, obviously.

Now that that's done, it's time to introduce the new Boom Tho GOTM. I guess I'll start with a story about her because I actually know this one, or knew her back in the day.

When I was in high school, I wasn't very big time at all. I was actually a ridiculously late bloomer as evidenced here in this very good retelling of my high school days. I always had a kind of attitude that allowed me to lie to myself and think that I was something more than I was, and that helped me to where I am now. I never settled for what I was supposed to settle for.

That being said, girls weren't exactly a different story. I could have maybe gotten with some of the riff raff (you know what I mean), but I always aspired to get with the girls that were way out of my league. Well, like Seth in "Superbad", I was fatefully partnered with a certain girl for autoshop class. She was easily one of the best looking girls out of the 3200 students at Torrey Pines High and for some reason she was partnered with me.

Needless to say I was happy to be have an opportunity to show my charisma and charm on a daily basis. We changed oil and rotated tires. We laughed about how useless most of the work was and preferred to do most our assignments on her BMW rather than on my 88 Cadillac Coupe DeVille.

I felt like we were flirtatious enough at the time for me to possibly turn a corner. You gotta understand that a facebook poke didn't exist back then, so I was gonna have to do something else if I wanted to get her to go to prom with "just enough Rod Benson". I, being the computer nerd I was (this was before computer nerds were fashionable), made a "Will you go to prom with me?" website that I was going to show her during lunch. I knew she'd say yes because I was the man.

Well, I walked her into the library where the computers were, but before we reached the computer area, the second bell rang. The second bell meant get your ass to class or else.

"What were you going to show me anyway?" she asked me.

"I'll show you later, don't worry," I responded.

Lunch ended, class began, and dreams were shattered. Right after school she was asked by somebody else. That same day I was so close, but ousted by the second lunch bell.

We continued our flirtatious ways during class and when we graduated, we agreed to meet up in LA when I played UCLA. She said she was gonna go up there to be a model. Three weeks after graduation her phone number changed and we didn't speak again.

Two years later, I was watching TV and this commercial came on:

I kept telling people things like "I used to change her oil, if you know what I mean," I don't think they even believed it in the literal way I meant it. I guess she ended up being pretty big time doing whatever it was she was doing.

So, since it's my site and I can do whatever I want with whatever I want, I've decided that she will be the second Boom Tho GOTM. Her name is Callie Garrison, and a long time ago I rotated her tires, if you know what I mean. Like I took the tires off her car and put them back on is what I mean. Now she has a boyfriend and all that, so she's not exactly ready like spaghetti. Still, she's the Old Spice girl and I'm the leader of the Boom Tho movement. Guess, I'm still a computer nerd, but it's fashionable now.

Is it O.K.?

2008-02-20T08:04:14-08:00

This is very simple. I am going to ask a question, then tell the story behind it, then ask the question again. Is it O.K.?

1. Is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while on an airplane?

I was flying somewhere recently. Since I was on the inside and there was very little room, the arm rest of lifted up. What this meant was that the guy next to me was already rubbing shoulders with me for the entire flight. I guess that's how it goes.

Well, I fell asleep and I woke up to elbow bumping me. I look over and this guy has his hands on his balls, scratching those bad boys like a coddamn scratch and sniff sticker. Guy's elbow was bumping only because of the ferocity of the ball scratch. I looked at him in the eye and waited for him to stop, but he didn't. The scratching only came to a halt when I coughed extremely loud to get his attention. Still, he didn't look like he was ashamed or sorry. He actually looked a little annoyed.

So, I ask you, is it O.K. to bump someone with your elbow while SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS on an airplane?

2. Is it O.K. to copy your friends business card?

Last year about this time, I thought it would be cool to have a business card that had the toomuchrodbenson.com on it. While trying to figure out what else to put on there, I decided on my phone number, email address, and "professional basketball player" for the work info. Still, I thought that it needed something more. It needed something that defined me and separated me from everyone else with the boring card.

JGant and I talked about it and he suggested that I use my MySpace display name: "The Renaissance Man". It was a great idea. I already go be that name on myspace, so why not add it to the card to give it a kick on hilarity? My final card said that I was a "Professional Basketball Player / Renaissance Man". It always gets a good reaction.

Well, a few months later, JGant called me and told me that his card had finally been ordered. I was excited because we hadn't talked about the card issue since I had gotten mine in the mail. I asked him what his looked like and he emailed me the preview picture.

J. Gant Renaissance Man
Boom Tho 415- XXX-XXXX

I was like "Jason, what the hell is this?"

"What you mean what is this?" he asked.

"I mean why does your card say that you are the renaissance man?"

"I couldn't figure out what to put so I just put that. It just works so well."

"Well, it's on my card too buddy. Now we are just team renaissance?"

"It's not like we will give them to the same people, Rod."

"Of course we will! We do all the same things with all the same people! This is ricodamdiculous right now."

The dialogue continued for a while, but it was too late. JGant and I now had the same title on our cards. Not just any title, but MY title, and a memorable ad distinguishable title at that. Great, just great.

So around new years when I was down in LA, the two of us went to AREA nightclub to get our party on. I got in before J and went right to the bar. The bartender was very attractive and flirtatious, so I stayed there for a long time. I ordered all my drinks from her and kept my dancing to that part of the club. Well when the night was done, I went to hand her my card, just in case you know, and she starts reading it.

"Is this a joke?" she asked me.

"No, no jokes here," I answered in my best 'get the girl' voice.

"Well, your friend, the other renaissance man, already gave me his card earlier."

I walked away. I kept walking until I found JGant.

"You gave her your card too! The coddamn renaissance man!"

"What you mean bro? The bartender? Oh yea, she said I had no chance so I just slid her the card real quick."

"No way. I did have a chance and the renaissance man thing killed it. I knew this was happen."

So, I ask you, is it ok to copy your friends business card?

3. Is it OK to act crazy in the street late at night?

The story behind this can be seen right here:

Ill go ahead and answer that for you... Of course it's ok to act crazy in the street when "Boom Got Them DOS!'' is the reason why!

Valentines Day

2008-02-13T00:51:55-08:00

That is all. Enjoy.

Funny MySpace Messages 9!

2008-01-24T12:22:21-08:00

You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won't waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let's do it...

I got this first message from a girl with the display name: "Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~" I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive...

Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
Wat ^ wit u

When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn't worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out "What's up with you?" I personally don't think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the "^" sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn't matter. I wasn't even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day.

Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
wats good

This time I got an "s" but still no "h". Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson's world and couldn't help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn't there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not:

It's obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don't know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil' John's "Get Low" playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows?

Now it was time to see what her profile was all about.

"UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS."

Female
16 years old
GARY, Indiana
United States

Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a "Sagittaurus" is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really?

Moving on..

Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
come thru...and leave me a pix comment...preciate chu...

I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would "preciate" a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture:

....aaaaaaannd the caption under it said:
"King Magazine Style...And I know how 2 play playstation...Madden Any1?"

I did leave a comment. Here's what it said:

Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet.

Honestly, I guess we've come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues.

Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:

and then you could send me this:

Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hello . . .

Hello. . .? E.T. phone home? I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her "about me":

"i love 2 dance......it "s my life!!! only hip-hop r" &b....!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer.....like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM...X-ZIBIT...E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn't want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled:

Let's ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I've been watching Snoops new show, "Fatherhood", and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied "It's a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?" I highly doubt his son thought about this girl.

I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she'll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon.

Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole 'nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out....

I'll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the "straight" label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard.

From: I'M MARSHALL, & I'M ADDICTED 2 FASHION
Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM

U SEXY AS HELL

Guys name is "I'm Marshall and I'm Addicted 2 Fashion." Haha. I guess that's cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn't need your fashion advice, especially if you think he's sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn't like big girls, there's no way he'd like a big GUY.

Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace.

Then there were Zac and Robb...

From: Zac
Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM

sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I'd say hello. holla

From: Robb..
Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM

Beautiful eyez yo!

Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn't want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn't wan't to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too?

It still only got worse for Clay:

From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire
Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM

hi sexy

"But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say 'Show Girl'?" Funny you should ask... Her about me says the following:

"Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. "Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright." PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD."

So I guess this is just how it's gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn't all that bad. Still, I don't know how many people click "New Messages!" expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message "Hey Sexy."

Well, I still think mine takes the cake in this bunch. See, I've heard from women that guys just can't take a hint, but I've never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better:

For starters, I was a little confused by the display name "Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco", especially since it came with this message:

Subject: you have a gorgeous smile
Body:
holla at me

There is already so much wrong with this picture. I've never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says "Back off boys" but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don't play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha.

Well, I didn't reply, of course. Not long after I got this:

Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM
Subject:
No Subject
Body:
hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy

Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don't know, but since Tyra Banks didn't say it, I wasn't interested. No reply again.

Subject: No Subject
Body:
holla at me sexy

Nope, still nothing...

Subject: No Subject
Body:
how come u dont respond to my messages?

Seriously dog, you can't figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I'm not gay, or you're just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn't reply. Didn't want to give him any ammunition.

Subject: No Subject
Body:
HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES?

This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He's talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He's probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn't say gay, don't get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He's lucky I'm a passivist.

I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I've been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again):

"Im a freak between the sheets....love licking booty
Who I'd like to meet:
Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don't need no hata's on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka's can sucka d*ck I'm the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn't matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I'll except you for being your self...!"

Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they "love licking booty." Maybe that's just me. Well, on to the pictures. I've never laughed so hard at a picture:

Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these:

from Elijah:
Damn I wish I were a drop of that water.

from "Just Me":
let me lick u all over

from "Lil Shaun":
I'll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet

Really son? You are a man! You don't get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I've seen on MySpace.

Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time...

Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right?

Elijah:
You missed a spot...Let me get it for you.

OF COURSE!

Just in Case you Haven't Seen The Rockumentary

2008-01-16T00:58:49-08:00

It's all about Rock Band, the game. Here it is:

Boom Tho Girl of the Month (I had some code error before which cut off the entry, look again)

2008-01-11T08:58:35-08:00

Lately I've been thinking about something. Jenna Fischer is a great woman to have as number 4 of the Boom Tho movement, but lets be realistic, she may be just a tad too big time. I mean, let's face it, I can't even get into an L.A. nightclub when I'm TRYING to buy a table. What makes me think I have the social clout to entertain Jenna Fischer?

Well, these thoughts led me to a new idea. I figure that Jenna Fischer is THE Boom Tho girl forever, like the numero uno all the time, but maybe there are other girls out there who are big time, but hopefully not too big time to respond to an email or a myspace message or something. Maybe I can list a girl who may lead a lifestyle that could lead to us meeting up one day. Is that so crazy?

I came to this conclusion one day while I was browsing the Yahoo! home page. I always look at the latest news topics and try to find stories that interest me. On this day there was a relationship article right on the front page. I think it said something about why good looking women get with ugly men. I wondered the same thing. I figured I could click on the article and learn something I didn't know. Well, when I clicked on the article, I noticed immediately who wrote it: Julia Allison. Normally it's guys like this who write these articles, but not this time.

I immediately had to find out who this girl was. Her bio said to check out her blog, JuliaAllison.com so I did. Right then I decided that she needed to be a boom tho girl. The more I found out about her writing, her T.V. correspondent work, and the fact that she dressed up as a Rubik's cube for halloween, I knew that somehow I had to make room for her on TMRB and recognize her for being an all around big time individual.

So, without further adieu, I introduce Julia Allison as the first Boom Tho girl of the month. I figure maybe I'll send her a boom tho shirt or something (oh yea, if you're looking for a shirt, I have been told they will be here in the next week...we'll see) to show how highly she is regarded. I mean, she writes for yahoo, I write for yahoo. She has a blog, I have a blog. She is on T.V., I watch T.V. I feel like this could go somewhere. If only there was like a yahoo office building. Then I could be Jim and she could be Pam and we could be good. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

...doesn't get much hotter.

Sometimes the Night Ain't Right

2008-01-08T11:08:35-08:00

I was at Buck's again walking around as usual. It was like a Wednesday or something so there was almost nobody there. I walked around with a dazed look on my face for a little while. Finally my dazed look turned into one that said "I've given up for tonight." I started thinking about whether I was going to play Madden or Halo when I got home when someone interrupted my thought process.

"Don't look at me," some girl yelled from the middle of the dance floor. My eyes refocused as I came out of my day dream. I was looking at her, completely accidentally. It hit me then that she was not worth looking at. I hate to say it, but she was just not attractive at all. She came at me with the don't look at her bit and yet I would just as quickly come back at her with the same line.... So I did.

"What?! How about you don't look at me?" I fired back. Both of us got our wish.

5 minutes later I was still there, waiting for the place to pick up a little bit. Another girl walked up to me and told me there was something on my shirt. She pointed her finger towards my chest at the spot. I looked down and sure enough her finger came up into my face like we were in third grade. Seriously. While she was playfully laughing, I walked away. No way was I going to stand for such games.

Now it really was time to leave. I started heading towards the door when someone grabbed my hand. I turned around and looked down to see a 60 year old woman looking back up at me. Maybe she wasn't 60, but coddamn she was old regardless.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked me.

The night had already been ridiculous enough in the last 30 minutes, I guess I could at least dance one song with her to be nice.

"Sure. Why not?"

She walked me over to the dance floor. I grabbed her hands and proceeded to dance with her like anyone would dance with a woman 3 times their age. I danced with her like she was my grandmother. Straight up ball room dance style. I don't really know the waltz, but this was as close as I could get to waltz style dancing.

Granny and I continued this style for a couple minutes, then, out of nowhere, she turned around and attempted to break me off like a 50 Cent video girl. I rarely ever feel ashamed on the dance floor, but this was an exception. I couldn't believe this old woman was doing this. I especially couldn't believe she was doing this to ME. After my shock wore off, I turned and walked away from the dance floor. It was just too much.

She followed me and grabbed my hand again.

"Please please please dance with me for another song. Please?"

Now was the real decision time. It was obvious that she wanted more than a dance now. There was no way I was going to do anything more than dance, and I definitely had no intention of dancing like that. Why head back out there with her? What would I have to gain?

Right then I threw my camera to my teammate and told him to record what was about to happen. I decided I would dance so ridiculously and at such an absurd pace that she couldn't handle it. I figured I could always watch the video and laugh at the most seductive dancing that will ever occur between myself and someone with an AARP card. Well, at least until I have my own card if you know what I mean.

We headed back over to the dance floor. Right before we started up again, she slipped a piece of paper with her phone number on it into my hand. Gross. That almost stopped me, but I looked over at my teammates who assured me that the show must go on. It did:

How old is too old these days? I mean there has always been a kind of man fantasy to get the older girl, but seriously, this is way too old. The fact that she thought it was O.K. was ridiculous. The fact that I went along with it was preposterous. The fact that nobody there found it unusual is almost upsetting. Either way I skipped right out to the van and left right after the display. I've been told that she then gave her number to another guy on my team. Gross. Just gross.

I'll Get You Sooner or Later

2007-12-30T14:31:26-08:00

My friend Stephanie sells commercial real estate over the phone. I guess her company is supposed to be the largest online yada yada commerical whatever you get the point. Stephanie constantly tells me about how hard her job is because people will consistently berate her because Americans don't really appreciate tele-marketers. I guess she has to call these people up and spark their interest in commercial real estate, but she deals with obscene language, and people who say they will call her back, but never do. I've heard it from her time and time again.

Stephanie on the right

Well, I told her I would call in and pretend to be one of these difficult individuals and just basically give her a hard time. I told her that I would mask my voice and do my best to give her trouble on a day when she would least expect it. I first called about 3 months ago. I tried to do a southern accent, unfortunately she knew my voice and she had caller I.D. on her work phone, so my efforts were thwarted.

A couple weeks ago I had a great idea. I decided I would get her by having my Trinidadian teammate call her using his caribbean accent and his 917 area code phone. What you are about to see is the video of him calling her company one morning and talking with an unprepared Stephanie. Notice how he switches from using his accent to talking perfect english just to be more confusing. He even says my name as a reference, but she still can't figure it out:

She promptly called him back and continued to be very confused:

She later told me that she was crying tears of relief when she found out that it was all a prank. Seriously. Even after I picked up she still didn't know what was going on. I had to calm her down. All I have to say is that when I say I'm gonna get you, I'll get you.